should i stay or should i go?

I haven't written anything here in a while. The past few weeks have been crazy at work. Of course, my schedule isn't as crazy as other friends here who are in Finance, but being in a creative rut in this industry is hard when you need to produce something beautiful and worthwhile every day. I feel tired, drained and dazed. Nothing I do seems to look good enough anymore.

I don't know if I'm just feeling this way because I'm confused. I'm not sure if I should stay in New York for another couple of years when I get my work visa or just go back home for good in December. On one hand, I love it here. The freedom, the city, the wonder, the job, the experiences. On the other, all the people I love (or should I say most of the people I love, I love my friends here too!) are back home and I feel like my real life doesn't really begin until I go back to Manila. I don't think I will ever know where my life will actually lead me until I go home. It would seem like an easy choice to just up and leave for the Philippines, but something's holding me here. I don't know what it is, but I somehow can't say goodbye to New York just yet.

I wish I didn't have to make the decision myself. I was hoping God would do the decision-making for me. If I get the visa, I stay. If not, I go back. But from the way things are working out, it seems I will have to do the yes or no myself. I feel like I've made a mess of the situation by delaying the thinking I should have been doing two months earlier. Eeeepp. They say you'll just know when it's time for you to go home. But being the indecisive me that I am, I don't think it's going to be that easy for a while... at least I have only one more month left to suffer through this uncertainty. If I don't have an answer by mid-November I should just go home.